This post will be about being brutally honest with myself, about who exactly it is that I am, as a person. So I’ll just dive in nose first.
I am sometimes socially awkward, sometimes exceptionally edgy, other times witty and still other times sarcastic and abrasive, and yet I still manage to try to be charming and kind. I used to be the biggest liar in the fucking world until I realized a few years ago that honesty really is the only option for me, as lies do nothing but tear me, and others, apart.
I am humble yet firm and sure of my ability to perform my practiced duties. I am a sinner. I am a kind soul. I am a tobacco addict. I stay up too late, and sleep too long, and don’t drink as much water as I could.
I am my own worst critic, and, while not many people are willing to comment about my appearance, and not many are willing to tell me things will be alright (even though that’s almost all I have done for others all throughout my life), and I take offense to things way too easily sometimes. I have the hardest personality to nail down. Sometimes, it’s sharp as a razor and hard like diamond. Other times, I feel like the most minute tuft of airborne emotional astroturf can just swoop in and falter my balance, or even knock me over altogether, even if it’s in obvious jest; though to be fair this is usually after I have gone without tobacco for a degree of time.
I am self-deprecating in my approach to my dental health until recent times, and I have totally ignored my physical fitness before I wrote my first MO, which, thanks to my MO, has successfully been changed.
Sometimes, I read a person too much when I am talking, and lose traction, steam, and passion on my thought sometimes even halfway through it, and it causes the person receiving me to shut down on me and become uninterested in what I have to say, even beyond the thought that died. When this happens, I have a terrible tendency to become extremely awkward, thinking in my head that this person totally must think I am lame or that I am an idiot. I wish I could say I do this on purpose.
I have a tendency to disregard my own desires in favor of being the “go with the flow” type guy, in an attempt to make myself seem less anxious about how that person might be viewing me at the given moment.
Often times, I love myself in moments where other people validate that they find me physically or emotionally attractive, and while I do love myself without these moments to a degree, the frequency is much weaker without these types of interactions.
I think too often about how the people in the direct environment around me, might be viewing me as they look at me while I am walking by from the side, and this causes me to either become self-aware and hyper-sensitive to my own actions, about how they could be interpreted on a psychological and subconscious level, which can cause me to retreat into my mind and become extremely introverted, depending on the frequency of the attention given to me.
*ADD MORE HERE LATER
But here’s the thing, even though all of that is true; I have a map right here now, on what I should and should not start improving upon, and that’s just as good as an atlas, any day of the week.