Traits~

This post will be about being brutally honest with myself, about who exactly it is that I am, as a person. So I’ll just dive in nose first.

I am sometimes socially awkward, sometimes exceptionally edgy, other times witty and still other times sarcastic and abrasive, and yet I still manage to try to be charming and kind. I used to be the biggest liar in the fucking world until I realized a few years ago that honesty really is the only option for me, as lies do nothing but tear me, and others, apart.

I am humble yet firm and sure of my ability to perform my practiced duties. I am a sinner. I am a kind soul. I am a tobacco addict. I stay up too late, and sleep too long, and don’t drink as much water as I could.

I am my own worst critic, and, while not many people are willing to comment about my appearance, and not many are willing to tell me things will be alright (even though that’s almost all I have done for others all throughout my life), and I take offense to things way too easily sometimes. I have the hardest personality to nail down. Sometimes, it’s sharp as a razor and hard like diamond. Other times, I feel like the most minute tuft of airborne emotional astroturf can just swoop in and falter my balance, or even knock me over altogether, even if it’s in obvious jest; though to be fair this is usually after I have gone without tobacco for a degree of time.

I am self-deprecating in my approach to my dental health until recent times, and I have totally ignored my physical fitness before I wrote my first MO, which, thanks to my MO, has successfully been changed.

Sometimes, I read a person too much when I am talking, and lose traction, steam, and passion on my thought sometimes even halfway through it, and it causes the person receiving me to shut down on me and become uninterested in what I have to say, even beyond the thought that died. When this happens, I have a terrible tendency to become extremely awkward, thinking in my head that this person totally must think I am lame or that I am an idiot. I wish I could say I do this on purpose.

I have a tendency to disregard my own desires in favor of being the “go with the flow” type guy, in an attempt to make myself seem less anxious about how that person might be viewing me at the given moment.

Often times, I love myself in moments where other people validate that they find me physically or emotionally attractive, and while I do love myself without these moments to a degree, the frequency is much weaker without these types of interactions.

I think too often about how the people in the direct environment around me, might be viewing me as they look at me while I am walking by from the side, and this causes me to either become self-aware and hyper-sensitive to my own actions, about how they could be interpreted on a psychological and subconscious level, which can cause me to retreat into my mind and become extremely introverted, depending on the frequency of the attention given to me.

*ADD MORE HERE LATER

But here’s the thing, even though all of that is true; I have a map right here now, on what I should and should not start improving upon, and that’s just as good as an atlas, any day of the week.

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ANNUAL MODUS OPERANDI (Update 5/17/2017)


Date Initially Transcribed Online here:

5:17:2017

*All Targets Listed By Order of Importance; Beginning of the Target Sentence = most important, end = least important.

2017

Target.png


MARCH:

: By the end of March: Begin working out, in the least, training ✔.

STATUS:download (2)

APRIL:

: By the end of April: Secure working employment . Proceed past resistance training, if still in training ✔.

STATUS:fail-stamp

MAY:

: By the end of May: Work on being more realistic and honest with yourself, be it about a personal problem, flaw, or change. Secure employment if possible, but at least try to secure it if not possible. Be ready for the cookout reunion on the 20th, and don’t forget to mentally prepare for your talk with Sarah-trash ✔. Oh and get a haircut ✔.

STATUS:NA-Logo_medium

JUNE:

: By the end of June:

STATUS:NA-Logo_medium

Up and Down

I’m back again, sore as absolute fuck, feeling like I got hit by a mac truck. DOMS 48 to 72 hour period, I’m currently neck-deep and its so not pleasant, but at least I know I sufficiently kicked my ass enough to cause some type of change. Gotta get bigger.

I am slowly but surely realizing the things that are wrong with myself, and making right the wrongs I have allowed to hang suspended in my subconscious. Every day brings a new struggle, but I am making serious progress. Doesn’t hurt that Dylan and Blake are both conspiring behind my back to find ways of making me feel less externally ugly; as this is one of my worst and most deeply-set personal demons.

Side note: Jordy Nelson is my biggest current Jock crush; him and Julian Edelmann.

I finished a rudimentary config engine shell with a simplified binary execution pattern, including a manual override switch for backend hotfixes. I am proud of myself for that, but sadly its for Portal 2, and that game is old now. So, fuck me, right?

I miss the internet.

I miss being able to play online games.

I miss having money.

I NEED A JOB.

Freshy

A fresh bag does a man’s soul well.

I am beginning work on a shell for context menu creation in windows, so that way I can better create bat extensions to run via context.

This month won’t be a job sadly, so I missed that one on my Modus Operani.

But I am started in my mindset changes.

Waking up

Its 9:29 AM here and I just woke up.  I think last night was as eventful of a night’s rest as I’ve had in a long while. Total REM sleep: 1 hour, 23 minutes, 45 seconds. Total sleep time altogether: 2 hours and 54 minutes, 23 seconds. FML.

 

I will be buying a bag of weed today though, so hooray to that. Gonna smoke outta my bong while my neighbor smokes outta my pipe. Win/win.

As a side note, my white African friend (she actually lives in Africa) just broke news to me that her boyfriend of 6 months, great guy; gentle, caring, kind, treated her like a princess, committed suicide today… Dark stuff indeed.

Pilot

This being my pilot post on this snippet, I figure it’s pertinent to state that I have no clue where this site is liable to end up, or which directions it may take in the future, and I have no apologies for this being the case.

A man is but a man, until he realizes the ramifications of being so simple.